Category Archives: Couples

Self-Caring Ownership Will Set You Free

The capacity to take ownership is one of those magical moments in time where you can gain a deeper understanding and knowledge of yourself. When you are less invested in how others think of you, when your ego is less involved in being right, when your intention is to know more about yourself, when you earnestly care about your well being, and when you live in the land of healthy entitlement you provide yourself the opportunity to take ownership that informs growth.

When I am lovingly challenged about how I hurt, angered, frustrated, or possibly saddened someone, it is an opportunity to hear and see that person. It is also an opportunity to know more about myself – what can I come to know about the origins of my actions, the feelings that informed my choices and the potential healing of old internal wounds. By taking self-caring ownership three significant things happen: 1). I hear and see the other person, 2). I learn more about myself and 3). The process and journey between us informs a deepening of intimacy.

In contrast, self-deprecating ownership only entraps you. It is basically asking the other person to take care of you, to sooth your wounded ego, shame and/or guilt – that is your work to lovingly do, not theirs. Even if the challenge that is coming your way is incorrect, your ownership of your own truth can be a place of underscoring what you know and inform greater intimacy with the other.

Choose Curiosity

To actively see and hear others is to presume that you don’t know the answers – instead to be curious. Questions, a hallmark of curiosity, are an essential step in the process of seeing and hearing. The flower wants to be experienced, witnessed and observed, not talked to.

When you join in the relational experience of being curious, and relinquish being correct, you will not only know more about that person, but you will have more with that person. The more can be rich and nuanced, it can be informative and revealing, it can be bold and scary, and it can inform meaningful intimacy.

The process of being curious is also important in self-discovery. “I wonder what that was about?” “I wonder why I was just defensive?” “I wonder why I’m scared, sad, lonely, threatened, joyful, at peace, etc?”

To be curious, rather than correct, is to give up control and enter into a journey with oneself, and with others along the path.